UselessPersonnel file
About him
Useless is the mascot of REALLYBYTE, a small pink and blue eraser with stick legs and a permanent shrug. He turns up in the footer of REALLYBYTE’s pages under “Staff directory”, where his job title is listed as unknown. That is the most accurate thing ever written about him.
The file
| Name | Useless |
|---|---|
| Job title | Mascot (disputed) |
| Department | Unclear. He sits wherever there’s a chair. |
| Reports to | Nobody has checked |
| Made of | Rubber, mostly. The pink end and the blue end. |
| Strengths | Shrugging, standing about, being in photos |
| Weaknesses | Everything else |
| Desk | Shared with a pot plant that has better reviews |
| Notes from last appraisal | “Was present.” |
STATUS: SOMEWHERE
A day in the life
- 09:00Arrives. Takes off coat he isn’t wearing.
- 09:05Checks emails. There are none. Feels relieved.
- 09:30Stands near the kettle in case it needs him.
- 11:00Joins a meeting. Nods twice. Leaves with three new action points for other people.
- 12:00Lunch, briefly. Then a longer lunch to recover from the first one.
- 14:00Opens a spreadsheet. Closes it. Calls it research.
- 15:30Tries to rub out a mistake. It was in pen.
- 16:59Starts packing up. Has been packing up since 16:12.
- 17:00Goes home. Nobody notices. Nobody noticed he was here.
Overheard
“I’m not lazy. I’m on standby.”
“Is that the new guy? He’s been here for years.”
“If you need anything, I’ll be over there not doing it.”
“I don’t make mistakes. I am the correction.”
“He’s very good at being in the background.”
Contact Useless
He doesn’t check messages. He once checked a message and it took him the rest of the week. For anything real, contact REALLYBYTE instead. They answer.